The most forthright statement I can open with is that not until recently have I even fleetingly thought of stopping, of closing up shop. I won't stop, I can't stop, but the thought doesn't contradict that. It's just a thought. What's behind it is the frustration of this ongoing block and the challenge of making enough time and finding enough courage to push through it.
I've asked my dear friend and colleague Ellen Eagle, who knows me and my work intimately and how hard it is now, to stay with me on this, so of course she is. I have homework. I'm to draw with a blank mind and show her some drawings when we Monster Tuesday night. (Monster is the verb form of feasting at Monster Sushi on 23rd Street.) It sounds so straightforward, except that it isn't, plus I don't have a paper-and-pencil drawing practice, which of course might also work in my favor.
I'm thwarted by my expectation that my work be Good and Important, and that prescription for paralysis has been in effect for awhile. The sense of futility that got entrenched in me at my previous job also entrenched the paralysis, because the work I find Good and Important feels so much further beyond my resources than it ever has.
I must get out of my own way and do my homework.
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