It has been a long while since I wrote, though I've been working in the studio as steadily as life allows. On February 25, news of a death came suddenly and opened an enormous, painful void that just knocked me down. He was a parental figure, a man who taught me about unconditional love and the nature of family and generosity. He made things possible for me - both tangible and dynamic - and was a blessing in my life. The loss undid me. For most of my adulthood I identified myself by my losses, as if that sum were all I added up to, because that's all I felt. I don't live that way any more, thankfully, but this loss activated the old ones. It also shone a light on a current situation, and I was reeling. I felt invisible, and turned fully inside. Only when I allowed myself to reach for the resources that could help did it start to turn, and now, almost a month later, I'm vertical. Changed and sad, but vertical.
I've continued with the thread-and-vellum drawings, working from photos. The 19 x 25" format was a good move. At first I kept doing what I was doing in the 9 x 12" format: just building the fragments in a much vaster space. But something felt off, though ... incomplete. It was only this weekend that their lack of tension, or punch, became clear to me. They are inert; they don't get anywhere. So now I can return to the several I have and view them as starts. Of course, all of this perfectly parallels my return to verticality.