Late Bloomer

Within the last couple of years, I've begun to measure major decisions against my own lifespan. The question that's surfaced most is whether to get a doctorate to better my job prospects, but it's just one example. What I hear myself say is, "If I were 30 or even 40 I'd probably do it, but now?" I know that any decision I've made based on money has proven bad and that I don't even know of a program interdiscplinary enough to get my interest, but that's not what I'm trying to get at here. It's about thinking about myself, "It's too late for that" (whatever "that" is).

I've always been a late bloomer. I lost my way during adolescence, and my parents (who were big on achievement but not great at guidance) died before I was 30 and had found my way back. I started my BFA at 36. My emotional development largely ran in parallel, as it would, except that my family dynamic forced me to grow up too fast in certain ways. In the end, I had to reach back (dig up my identity as a child and artist) to grow the rest of me up.

And now I'm so grown up I'm too old for a major endeavor like (but not) a doctorate? Ha. That's way oversimplified, but it's a mode of thinking to question. It could be a tricky expression of fear and get in the way of doing things I want to do but find intimidating. With art school, I never experienced making a decision, only discovering the obvious next step. Same with moving back to New York. Am I still willing to let myself discover an obvious next step?