"A State of Serious Mortification"

The phrase that titles this post perfectly describes my relationship to this blog, and it was a perverse relief to know I'm not alone. The words are Leah Hager Cohen's about starting her blog, Love as a Found Object. I came across them in the NY Times Book Review, where Cohen reviewed The Mercy Papers, a memoir by Robin Romm.

I love the Book Review. I'm not looking for something to read; the Review is the reading. Occasionally I'll tear out a review that makes me curious about the book and file it, but I don't remember I have the file when I'm looking for a book to read. And this never changes. I add to the file about once a year and never think of turning to it for a book - or tossing it.

Essays are like short stories or poems for me; the limitation of length forces them to be efficient. What isn't said can be as important as what is said, and a short work can spark as rich a conversation as a longer piece. I see I'm describing what I aim for with my artwork. I both like that - the consistency - and feel that state of mortification. Again it comes back to me-me-me; I'd like to believe I can exceed myself. At times I've felt like I'm onto something brand new in the studio, then come to see that the concerns are the same. I just come at them differently. That too is both a comfort (like proof of authenticity) and a source of disappointment (I "just" ...).

I don't think our buttons, issues, and vulnerabilities change. We are who we are. Yeah, I can get better at knowing what's sensitive for me. And that helps me anticipate unwanted old reactions (or see that I'm having them) and change course (if it's a really good day), but the sensitivity remains.