Is This It?

Today marks one year since I moved into my home. I promised myself I wouldn't let this milestone pass without painting the inside of the last closet, which I did. I only wish that the many other promises I make to myself - or wishes I hold for myself - were getting the same attention.

I start each day fresh, with hopes and intentions to end it with a sense of self, accomplishment, optimism. Yet, one after the other, days end in frustration, sadness, disappointment. It's unlike me. I've been tenacious - relentless, even - in trying to make things better, and have made things much better over many years. Now I feel like I'm giving up and can't stop the slide. Is this what midlife looks like? Do I want too much and lack gratitude for what I have? Do I need to return to the basics to reconnect with my own drive? Yes. Maybe. Yes.

So what are these basics? One is meditation. I'm sitting again; it's hard. I can't seem to land in the present even during practice, let alone the rest of my time. Another is exercise. With spring coming that becomes more possible. The third is the studio. I'm more engaged, and want it active whatever I'm doing. As I write, I see the seeds are here. I also know they've been here for awhile (a year?), but haven't yet taken root.

What's in the way? What's on the other side of what's in the way that is so frightening?