Missing

It's been three weeks since I wrote, not for lack of inclination but time. For having to set priorities so that many things I want to do don't get done and many ways I'd like to feel don't get felt. Like embodied. Like I'm doing my work. Like I'm in it.

I seem only to disappoint myself, and it's exhausting. My expectations are probably too high, yet I've had what I'm missing and I want it back.

What I make is changing to accommodate what is. I know that's positive, yet barely experience it. I made two short videos - my first. They are what I want them to be. They'll be on my Web site soon, as immediate a showing as could be. Yet I don't feel the relief of having made new work, work that's clear and exciting. I can't blame my clumsiness with the technology for this long, long distance from myself.

People tell me I'm disciplined; I don't much agree. If I was as disciplined as I seem, I'd dig out. I returned to meditation a couple of days ago after not sitting for two or three weeks, and that's good - that's the discipline that's proven best at aligning my actions with my hopes for myself.